Double Act Read online

  Who’d ever want to come and have a holiday in this old dump? All right, the shop did get quite busy last Saturday and Sunday, but hardly anybody bought anything.

  There were the hikers and they left mud all over the place. There were the bikers and they dripped ice-cream everywhere.

  And there was that family who asked to use the toilet.

  None of that lot bought a sausage.

  One of the bikers bought an old Beano annual.

  Oh, big deal. I’m telling you, Garnet. Dad’s going to go bust in six months.

  Come on, let’s play. Make the most of our free time. Because we’re starting at our new school on Monday, yuck yuck yuck.

  SIX

  IT’S AWFUL. WE knew it would be. It’s like a little toy school. There’s hardly any playground. There aren’t any computers. There isn’t even a television. The teacher writes stuff up on a blackboard and we sit at these dinky little desks with lids and inkwells. It’s like the sort of classroom you get in a cartoon.

  Miss Debenham isn’t a bit like that, Ruby! This is Miss Debenham.

  Yes, and she made me feel positively sick and squirmy inside when she stood us in front of the class and introduced us – and as if we needed introducing anyway. We’re famous in this dreary dump of a village. Everyone knows us.

  Especially Jeremy Treadgold and his gang.

  Fancy that great Blob being in our class. It’s a wonder he can cram himself into the teeny-weeny desk. Imagine having to sit next to him.

  I’m glad we can sit together, anyway. Miss Debenham asked us what we’d prefer. Teachers don’t usually ask you stuff like that, they just tell you what they want you to do. And I like some of the lessons, like when we had to write about twins.

  You can be a real smarmy little creep at times! I had it all sussed out.

  THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  THE BAD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  And then you were supposed to do your mirror-writing trick. It would have been so brilliant:

  THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  THE BAD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  It would have been PERFECT. An answer, and a twin answer. Identical, like us.

  But oh no, Miss Suck-up-to-the-teacher-smarty-farty has to write all that rubbish.

  THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  THE BAD THINGS ABOUT BEING A TWIN

  Very bad, Garnet! Do you really want to be left alone? OK, I’ll run off the next time that Big Blob tries to get us.

  Oh, that was so awful! He crept up on us with this huge great wiggly worm in either hand, and I can’t stand worms.

  Well, I’m not absolutely enchanted with them myself. Especially not squirming down my jumper. But I got mine out. I shoved it straight down the Big Blob’s trousers!

  Judy said he once put a worm down her neck too. Judy just about went bananas. She said—

  I’m not the slightest bit interested in Judy and what she said. I don’t know why you wanted to go off with her.

  She’s quite nice, Ruby, really she is. And I didn’t go off with her, you know that. Miss Debenham said she wanted us to do this big Noah’s Ark painting to brighten up the classroom wall and she was going round the whole form asking them which animal they wanted to paint, and I kept hoping nobody else would bag a giraffe, because they’re our favourite animal, so when she got to us I said, ‘Giraffe’ quick. And Miss Debenham smiled at you too and said, ‘And you’ll do a twin giraffe, right, Ruby?’

  So I said, ‘Wrong, Miss Debenham. I don’t want to paint any stupid old giraffe.’

  But why did you say that? And why did you have to choose a flea for your animal?

  Simple. One little blob. Flea finished. And if you’d only shut up and waited for me to answer old Dumbo Debenham, you could have done a flea too. Then we could have just sat and mucked around for the rest of the lesson. But oh no, you have to go off with that ghastly Judy girl and paint stupid giraffes with her.

  I didn’t go off – well, not deliberately. I couldn’t help it that Judy said she wanted to do a giraffe too. And I tried to back out, you know I did. But Miss Debenham said, ‘No, come on, Garnet, you said you’d like to do a giraffe. So you can do the giraffes with Judy. Never mind what Ruby wants to do.’

  Yes, never mind me.

  Oh, Ruby. Don’t be like that.

  I’ll be exactly how I want. If you want to pal around with Judy then fine, you go off with her.

  I don’t want to pal around with her.

  So why did you let her tag around with us at playtime then? Going gab gab gab until I felt like punching her in the gob.

  Well, what could I do? I couldn’t tell her to go away.

  I could.

  You did. You were ever so rude to her. And I keep telling you, Ruby, she’s good fun, she really is – you’d like her if you could bother to get to know her.

  I’m not going to get to know any of them. OK. You go and have good fun with your super new friend. Pal around with her all you like. Just don’t expect to pal around with me.

  Ruby! Don’t let’s quarrel. I hate it so. Ruby, come back. Please.

  SEVEN

  RUBY?

  I can’t STAND it when Ruby won’t talk to me. It’s as if most of me goes missing. As if my own mouth won’t work, my own hands won’t hold.

  She’s right. I was crazy to write that stuff about being a twin. It’s awful being on your own.

  Ruby wouldn’t talk to me all yesterday evening. When I tried saying anything she put her hands over her ears and went Bla-bla-bla so she couldn’t hear.

  After we’d had tea, Ruby went up to our room and started reading an old Beano annual. I said I was sorry, but she didn’t look up. I tried putting my arm round her but she wriggled away. I took hold of the Beano annual to make her look at me but she grabbed it back and hit me on the head with it. It hurt quite a lot, but that wasn’t really why I was crying.

  Ruby didn’t take any notice at all.

  My nose started to run so badly that I had to go and get a tissue. Rose saw me before I could mop myself up.

  ‘Oh, sweetie,’ she said, and she pulled one of her chiffony scarves off her neck and wiped my nose with it. ‘Hey, I’m just popping down to that video shop because there’s nothing good on telly tonight. Come and help me choose a good film, eh?’

  I didn’t know what to do. I knew Ruby would never forgive me if I palled up with Rose. But it didn’t look like she would ever forgive me anyway.

  ‘Come on, we’ll get some chocs too,’ said Rose. She rubbed her tummy. ‘I’ve put on a good half-stone since we got here. Still, never mind, eh?’

  I wanted to go with Rose. Ruby might not even know unless she looked out of our window. No, who was I kidding? It’s like Ruby can look through a little window straight into my head.

  ‘I’d better not,’ I mumbled to Rose. ‘I mean, I don’t feel like it.’

  ‘You don’t always have to do what Ruby wants,’ Rose said.

  She can tell us apart now. Unless we deliberately trick her. She thinks she’s getting to know us. But she can’t ever really understand. I don’t always get it myself. But I do have to do what Ruby wants. Because if I don’t, this happens. And it’s so horrid.

  Rose usually chooses love films with big hunky men, but this time she brought back The Railway Children. It’s one of my all-time favourite films, but generally when we watch it Ruby mucks around and mocks all the accents and at the end when Bobbie runs to her father at the station and it’s so lovely, Ruby makes sick noises and switches it off before it’s finished.

  Dad raised his eyebrows a bit when he saw which film it was, but he didn’t say anything. He usually sits on the sofa with Rose, but this evening he sat in the armchair and he caught hold of me and sat me on his lap while Rose put her feet up on the sofa, a box of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk balanced on her tummy. She kept throwing Dad and me chocolates. I said I wasn’t very hungry thanks, but Dad popped my favourite chocolate fudge into my mout
h as I spoke and I couldn’t really spit it out.

  They were being so nice to me, but it didn’t work. The chocolate didn’t have any taste. The Railway Children got started but I couldn’t watch it properly. I kept glancing up at the ceiling, at Ruby crouched up above us all on her own.

  ‘Why don’t we ask if she feels like coming down now?’ Rose said.

  Dad and I looked at each other. Rose certainly doesn’t understand Ruby yet.

  Rose went up all the same. She left a couple of chocolates beside Ruby. They weren’t touched when I came to bed.

  Ruby and I always share the bathroom and do synchronized tooth-cleaning, but Ruby barged straight past me and banged the door in my face. When we got into our nighties in the bedroom she seemed to be staring straight through me, as if I didn’t exist. That was exactly the way I felt.

  When we were in bed with the light off I kept whispering to her, but she wouldn’t answer. I lay awake for ages and ages and ages. In the middle of the night I slipped out of my bed and climbed in beside Ruby. She was snoring softly, deep in a dream, but she still wouldn’t cuddle up and after a while I crept back to my own bed.

  I think I slept a bit but now I’m wide awake again, even though it’s not properly morning.

  I think Ruby’s awake too.

  Ruby?

  She’s still not speaking.

  But I know what to do now.

  I did it. And we’re friends again now, aren’t we, Ruby?

  Yeah. OK, OK. Get off of me, Garnet!

  Make friends, make friends, never never break friends?

  I said, didn’t I?

  Write it too. Write it down here, in the accounts book. Write that you’ll never break friends with me again.

  I will never break friends with my twin sister and best friend Garnet Barker.

  Oh, you’ve really written it! And put: I swear.

  I swear my twin sister and best friend Garnet Barker is driving me completely batty with all this sloppy junk, and if she doesn’t shut up soon I might well go back on my promise.

  You can’t do that. No backsies.

  I was only teasing, stupid. Here, what’s all this drivel you’ve been writing? Whimpering on about me for page after page?

  Don’t look at it now. You’re right. It was just rubbish.

  So you had chocolate fudge downstairs, did you?

  I didn’t mean to – I just had my mouth open and—

  Oh,well. I might as well eat up my choccies too. One . . . Yum yum yum.

  And two . . . Gobble, gobble, gobble. Don’t look at me like that. You had yours last night.

  Only one.

  Well look, here . . .

  It’s all chewed and slobbery!

  Well, we’re twins, aren’t we? Your slobber is the same as my slobber. My drool is the same as your drool. My spit is the same as your spit.

  Your spit is a lot splashier than mine.

  Hey, wasn’t it great today when we got Jeremy Blob splat-splat! Oh boy oh boy! That was the most terrific supersonic idea of mine, eh? Going up to him in the playground and saying stuff ever so ever so softly so he shakes his head and screws up his face. ‘What?’ he says. ‘I can’t hear you?’

  So we go, ‘Then wash your ears out’ and you spit . . . SPLAT. And I spit . . . SPLAT. In his ears.

  I wish Miss Debenham hadn’t been walking across the playground though. She wasn’t very pleased either when I said I didn’t want to finish my giraffe and I did a twin flea to match yours. And Judy was a bit fed up too, because now she’s lumbered doing one and three-quarters giraffes by herself.

  Still, we don’t care, do we?

  It doesn’t matter, so long as we’ve got each other.

  So now school’s a doddle, because Garnet and I don’t do anything. We just sit looking blank when Dumbo Debenham gets on to us. Or I write the barest minimum and Garnet does mirror-writing. Or we copy everything twice – two lots of sums, two maps, two fact-sheets, because we say everything’s got to be doubled because we’re a double ourselves.

  ‘Double trouble,’ said Dumbo Debenham, and she sighed and tried separating us, Garnet right at the back of the class and me at the front.

  It didn’t work. Garnet just had to keep her eye on me. I’d tilt my head one way, and that was the signal to sneeze simultaneously. Or I’d tilt my head the other way and we’d both tip our books off the desk. Or I’d nod very slightly and we’d both stand up and say in unison, ‘Please may I go to the toilet, Miss Debenham?’ and then we’d walk out keeping step, me first, Garnet second, left right, left right, our arms swinging right left, right left, and then when I gave the slightest little cough we’d toss our heads so that our plaits would go left right, left right, over our shoulders.

  And all the kids would stare with their mouths open.

  We even spook Jeremy Blob!

  But it looks like we’re in double trouble with Dad. Dumbo Debenham phoned him up and told tales on us!

  ‘So why are you acting so stupidly at school?’ Dad demanded.

  ‘I think they act stupidly at home too!’ said Rose.

  ‘We only act–’

  ‘Stupid—’

  ‘To stupid—’

  ‘People,’ we said.

  But then Dad shook us. Hard. I thought he might even bang our heads together.

  ‘Stop it! I won’t have you talking to Rose like that. What’s the matter with you? I just don’t get it. You’ve always been such good girls. Well, you’ve had your moments, Ruby, but you’ve never ever behaved as badly as this before. And you’ve both always done so well at school. I’ve been so proud of you. But now it sounds as if you’re going out of your way to be as naughty and disruptive as possible. And you’re not even trying to make friends with the other children. Miss Debenham says you’ve got into silly fights with some of the boys – and you really upset one of the girls yesterday. Judy someone?’

  That was great. She was carrying on with this boring boring Noah’s Ark nonsense and she’d just got started doing the giraffe’s long neck with brown paint, so I got Garnet and we did our wanting-to-wee double act and then as we went out we both bumped into Judy accidentally on purpose and her giraffe ended up with this amazing corkscrew neck. Shame.

  I couldn’t help sniggering just thinking about it, and Dad got madder than ever.

  Garnet spoilt it a bit because she started snivelling, as always. Then Dad sighed and said, ‘Why do you always have to copy Ruby, Garnet? You obviously tried hard at school at first. But now you’re starting to be just as naughty as Ruby.’ And then he shook me a bit and said, ‘Why can’t you ever copy Garnet, Ruby?’

  But Garnet was OK.

  ‘I don’t copy Ruby,’ she said.

  ‘I don’t copy Garnet,’ I said.

  And then I sniffed because I knew Garnet was just about to, and I rubbed my dry eyes and she rubbed her wet ones, and then Garnet knew I’d stare at Dad defiantly with my chin up so she did too.

  It unnerved Dad, even though he’s used to us. But Rose clapped her hands.

  ‘They ought to go on stage,’ she said.

  ‘Well ha ha ha, we’re going to,’ I said.

  Garnet was a bit slow with her response this time. She only managed a ‘. . . going to,’ and she sounded a bit half-hearted. But I’m her other half. The oldest biggest bossiest half. We have to do what I say.

  EIGHT

  THIS IS IT! Our Big Chance!

  We were sitting in the kitchen on Saturday, mucking about. Dad was down in the shop. Rose had caught the early bus to the town. We had the place to ourselves. Garnet mixed up some flour and water and started making dinky little dough twins.

  She even plaited their hair and gave them little laces in their trainers.

  I said I wanted mine to have Doc Martens – all the better for kicking, ha ha – and I tried to change their shoes, but they wouldn’t go right. So I squashed my twin up and started all over again, but it just went all blobby. I turned it into Jeremy Blob instead, whi
le Garnet made another me. Then I got some toothpicks and tortured Jeremy Blob until he stopped looking like a doughboy and turned into a porcupine.

  I got fed up with dough then and folded up a newspaper and cut it out carefully the way Gran showed us once and then, when I unfolded it, there was this whole row of paper dolls. The newspaper just happened to be Rose’s Guardian and she hadn’t even opened it yet. Tough.

  I got a felt tip and started scribbling in eyes and mouths and buttons down the front of each little paper girl. I’m not dead artistic like Garnet. I can’t be bothered to be so finicky.

  ‘I’m turning them all into twins,’ I said.

  I did a smily mouth for me and a little-o anxious mouth for Garnet, and then a smiley mouth for me and a . . .

  And then I stopped, because I saw the word Twin on the paper doll. I read her skirt and then I ferreted around for the left-over paper to try to read the rest. I got the Sellotape and started trying to stick the whole bang-shoot back together again.

  ‘Yes, Rose is going to want to read that when she gets back,’ Garnet mumbled, putting the finishing touches to the little dough me.

  ‘Blow Rose reading it. We’ve got to read it!’ I said, and I was so shaking with excitement that I stuck myself together with the Sellotape. ‘Garnet, come and take a look at this! Oh boy! No, oh girl. Oh twin girl!’

  ‘Whatever are you burbling about?’ said Garnet. ‘Hey, don’t jog. Look, you’ve made me muck up your plait now.’

  ‘Leave it. Look!’

  I shoved the crumpled, Sellotaped sheet of paper in front of her nose.

  ‘This is it, Garnet!’ I shouted.

  Garnet is usually a quick reader but she seemed to be taking her time getting through one small paragraph.

  She was still holding the little dough me.

  ‘Hey, watch out! You’re spoiling me,’ I said.